Rinse. Lather. Repeat.

I have rebounded my way from relationship to relationship for the last FIVE YEARS.

FIVE .

YEARS.

It took the latest potential  grabbing a white board, drawing diagrams and running me through various creatively drawn illustrations for me to realise. Here is you. Here are your relationships. See how there is no definitive gap between ether? Now notice traces of rebounditice here, here and here.

I am nodding, ever the attentive student.

Just when you think you’ve reached the pinnacle of your romantic intelligence someone throws a pie in your face – a reality pie with newsflash icing. It tastes a little bitter…

So now, what to do?

Be alone. No dates, no infatuations, no textual flirting… the occasional pash (addicts have methadone, right?)

How Bromantic

Nobody can deny – being cheated on sucks. No matter who you are or how many times you have suffered through the tears, the endless blocks of chocolate and the plotting of many deaths – it sucks. But if there were an award for the worst possible way for the event to unfold – the lowest of the low – I would win. There would be a large trophy crafted in my honour and an award bestowed upon me for not removing certain vital appendages from certain individuals.

I have been unfortunate enough to experience all that the world’s plethora of jerks has to offer in the way of cheating; your best friend; your ex-best friend; your worst enemy (Stings!); in front of you at a club with a large breasted stranger (classy); via Facebook (ugh). I thought I was at the point where the male populations’ myriad methods of indiscretion were not only known to me, but  made me yawn in bored contempt. Maybe it was my fault for thinking I’d seen it all, for thinking myself wise to their schemes.

The worst way, I have found to be cheated on by your partner is on the day when love and honour and commitment should be at the forefront of one’s mind – Valentines Day. You’re thinking, I’ve heard of worse, right? Oh no, it gets better. On this day, shrouded in a cloud of love and armed with a bouquet of reckless infatuation I ran into our then love nest to catch my then boyfriend in the .. err .. arms of another man.

You could imagine my surprise, expecting romance and instead faced with unbridled bromance, in the most graphic of fashions.

Let this be a lesson to you ladies; just when you think you’ve seen it all, you literally see it all.  Now someone hand me that large two-penises-entwined trophy, I think I’ve earned it.

25 before I die Must-Dos

1. Travel the WORLD
2. Adopt a child
3. Get a tattoo
4. Get a degree
5. Write a book
6. Be on the cover of a magazine
7. Fall in perfect, true love.
8. Learn to meditate
9. Work in an elephant refuge
10. Get married
11. Learn how to cook restaurant grade cuisine
12. Learn French, fluently.
13. Meet Terry Richardson.
14. Own a genuine, Chanel Jumbo Flap bag
15. Dye my hair red.
16. Live on an island with the bare essentials for an extended period, hunt for my own food etc.
17. Learn how to use a gun.
18. Learn to forgive.
19. Own my own library with polished oak shelves.
20. Learn to hang glide.
21. Sell/give away everything I own and start again.
22. Experience a great white shark up close (not in a cage, maybe from the safety of a boat the size of China.)
23. Look at my bank account and be satisfied.
24. Volunteer in a third world country
25.  Swim with dolphins (although, after seeing shorts for ‘The Cove’ I might just retract this one.)

Wise words from a wise woman

Elizabeth Gilbert:

“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”

“If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will protect upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.”

Dear Caroline,

My mother is evil. I haven’t seen her for, well, so many years that I’ve lost count. Now and then she makes half-hearted attempts to see me via superficial means and normally I just ignore them. This time her message infuriated me so, I just had to reply. This is our conversation.

Her:

Hello April

I hope that this can be a step to us being able to maybe speak to each other or hopefully see each some time, your portfolio is amazing and you are the most beautiful woman, I think of you daily and I love you April hope to hear from you soon, I love you April and miss you Mum

Me:

You should of thought of how your actions would affect our relationship a long time ago. You have made your bed and now you must lie in it, however unpleasant it may be for you.

Her:

April, I know I wasnt the perfect mother and am not proud of the way you were treated as a child but as a child myself I was not treated very well either and have now come to terms with and forgiven my abuseres not having told anyone of my abuse until recently, you may not want to see or speak to me but I will keep trying as you only have one family and we all miss you…Mum

Me:

You still, after all this time, don’t get it. The difference between you and Dad is that he saw in himself what was ugly and wrong and took steps to change it. That I can forgive because it shows genuine remorse. I really admire Dad for going to anger management and completely changing who he was for us, for YOU because it is what YOU asked of him.

But you, you are still the same. You have not changed. You are still selfish, you still go on holidays and hoard money when there is no money to do so. You are still the money hungry, evil person I grew up with. It took 20 years for me to realize how truly bad you were for me.

I can not forgive you, because you are still evil and I don’t want anyone like that in my life. Before I didn’t have a choice, now I do.

If you and Dad were to separate I would see him again. But if I saw him now, you come with the package and that is not something I am willing to deal with.

I know you think you love me – it is not the words, but the actions, that matter. All through my teenage and early adult life you put your wants before our families needs, and Dad puts up with it because he is old, he loves you and he is scared you will leave him. You wield that power like a weapon and I am still ashamed to this day to call someone who would do that my mother. So I don’t.

I don’t think anyone can help you. You are so deep in denial you think how you act and the things you do are okay. We all choose our paths in life, no one forced you to do the things you did. You chose to.

Everyone makes mistakes Caroline. I am the first to admit I am not perfect and I don’t expect you to be either. But God had it right when he made the rule that to be forgiven, you must first repent and make a solemn vow never to repeat the behavior again.

I am not willing you allow you into my life again until you change. I have very low expectations.

It’s so funny, but I’m not even angry anymore. I have become so accepting of that gap in my life that everyone else fills with their mother and father it feels like they were never there.

One man’s trash is another April’s treasure

My new paintings! Love them!

twitter.com/apriltheia

The good guys fuck you, the bad guys fuck you and the rest of them don’t know how to fuck you. Solution? Fuck them.

Why is it always something?

If they’re not cheating
or addicted to drugs
or stealing your cash
or eating bugs

they smell like shit
or are getting fat
or wear your undies
or are sexually attracted
to your cat

if it isn’t their family
or their hairy ass
they have trouble getting
or maintaining the mast

When you’re not looking
its possible they are
filming you fucking
or stealing your car

If its not one thing
its always another thing
Why the fuck
its it always something?

Life is running pretty smoothy lately if you consider that I am desperately, hopelessly falling for someone amazing who feels the same and I have a wardrobe full of very high, very hot shoes.

Life is less than perfect if you consider I was just fired, have no motivation to get another job and can’t seem to even motivate myself enough to investigate potential career options. I know I want to be great; but how, and at what, and when?

At the moment I am reading ‘What Colour is your Parachute?’ a workbook to enhance your jobhunting skills, ‘a moveable feast’ which is by Hemmingway, detailing his trials and tribulations as an unknown writer in Paris in the early 1900′s, and ‘eat pray love’, some book about some bird who eats and prays and apparently (although I have yet to get to this part) loves.

Last but not least, I have just finished ‘Humble pie’ which is Gordon Ramsay’s autobiography. It gives significant insight into why he is the way he is but I found it a little boring.

I am listening to Music for Men by Gossip, Have another Ball by the Gimmes and Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings.

I am watching True Blood. This show is excellent. If you love vampires, unusual characters, brilliant character development and unexpected twists and turns then get into it.

My face is on the advertising for HighFashion High Tea – a Melbourne Spring Fashion Week event. This pleases me greatly.

See it here: http://www.fashionising.com/events/b–Announcing-High-Fashion-High-Tea-2009-1948.html

In other news, I am going to watch Dollhouse now. Another sweet show. get into it.

Night x